My testimony: What it can do for your life.

For most of my adult life I had been caught firmly in the grip of drugs and alcohol. Although I refuse to use my childhood and dysfunctional family as the explicit reason for my substance abuse, I’m sure they played a part in making it easier for me to open the door to substance abuse. I can say that without a doubt I would not have done a lot of the foolish things I did if I had not been under the influence of substance abuse. Henceforth, I will refer to all the alcohol drinking, cocaine and Marijuana abuse as simply substance abuse because normally I did a mixture of them all in some form or fashion.  I am currently in the process of writing a book detailing the many perils of my story, and how God has been there for me every step of the way.

Unfortunately, my youth sowed the seeds of what would become the scourge of my adult life. After spending about 1 year in federal prison, and unexpectedly winning an appeal from the US Supreme Court for the charges I was incarcerated under, I once again returned to a life of crime and substance abuse, but this time I my drug of choice was cocaine. I had taken up shooting cocaine in my veins and supplementing it with marijuana and alcohol as a way of dealing with the pressures of Atlanta’s hustling life. After about a year of this madness, I decided to enroll into a nearby community college as a way of developing the art skills I had acquired since I was a small kid. I did enroll and as a result, I became a very accomplished student, and in the process briefly left the life of substance abuse.

Later, I changed my major to Engineering and left the community college in pursuit of an Electronics Engineer Technology career. It was when I finished college that my world began to unravel, and my substance abuse become unmanageable. Over time, I would run from Atlanta to New Orleans, and finally to Seattle, Washington in a desperate attempt to run from myself. Run I could, but hide I could not, at least not from myself. By the time I reached Seattle I was smoking crack, and continuing my other substance abuse practices. Needless to say, I tried everything to try to rid myself of the desire to self-destruct in this manner but try as I might, I could find no practical resolution. For the most part, I was very functional with substance abuse and would always manage to remain employed, but then being regularly employed proved to be more of a curse than a blessing for me because it provided me with a monetary source for indulging in more substance abuse. This was the irony that characterized my life.  

While living in Seattle, I managed to father a child, a son, with a woman that would provide the crucial ingredient for me to totally surrender to the Lord Jesus Christ.  Right before I first met his mother, I had finally stopped smoking crack and marijuana, and only did my drinking on the weekend. However, after my son was born his mother no longer wanted to form a family unit via marriage, and opted to raise our son on her own. This arrangement caused considerable fighting between the two of us because she did not feel I deserved the right to have visitations, as outline by law, in order to spend time with my son. Eventually, the pressures of dealing with her, as well as the State of Washington Office of Support Enforcement, began to cause me to spiral down into the hopeless abyss of substance abuse once again on a scale I’d never imagined. I had never been so helpless or hopeless in all of my life, and now I was at the brink of doing something very foolish, and with eternally damning consequences. Satan wanted to destroy me completely, and was putting thoughts in my head to dispose of the problem once and for all, … and I was listening.

ONE FRIDAY NIGHT IN NOVEMBER 1991

I was beginning to hate my son’s mother more and more for doing what she was doing to me, and I was planning to do something about it. I knew what I was capable of if I was drunk enough. I was thinking about getting drunk and going to her house and taking care of the problem once, and for all. I wanted to throw my life to the wind for old time sake. God knew I was being influenced by Satan and he knew that he could not allow that to happen to me so he began to pull at my spirit much harder, and more deliberately, but it was up to me to heed his call. It was late autumn and I went to have Thanksgiving dinner at a homeless shelter around the block from the hotel I was living in.

While I was there I heard a sermon that seemed to be talking to me directly but I tried to pay it no attention because of Satan’s influence. The next day, since I had spent all my money earlier in the week getting high on crack and alcohol, I had nothing but time on my hand and slept most of the day. When I woke up it was as if I knew that I could not allow the thoughts that were in my head to be acted out. Because of the state of mind I was in, I could very easily hurt my son’s mother real bad, but I knew I could not allow myself to do it. However, I could not figure out how to resolve the issue. I eventually accepted the fact that there was no way out except to just totally, and completely surrender my life to Jesus Christ, and ask him to take control of my life. I knew that this was the only answer, and that I had to do it quickly because Satan was trying to destroy my life, her life, and my son’s life, all in one swipe. It’s his specialty. I knew this to be a fact beyond a shadow of a doubt and I had to stop it by any means necessary – even if it meant sacrificing my free will and becoming a slave to righteousness.

HAVE MERCY

That night I got down on my face and lay prostrate on the floor, and cried out to the Lord to come in to my life completely, and to take over my life so that I would not do the things that were in my mind. I cried like a baby and pleaded with Jesus, and asked him to have mercy on me and please forgive me for living the way I had been living. I also begged for deliverance from substance abuse because it was the very reason I was in this situation. I continued to just lie there on the floor sobbing when all of a sudden I felt this warm sensation, as if the very nature of the little room changed somehow. I was afraid to look up, so I just lay there with my eyes closed and I could feel this unmistakable presence in the room with me, a presence that caused me to think about love and peacefulness. It began to softly ripple through my body like gentle warm waves of pure love. I recall slightly moving my body as a result of the immense peaceful sensations I was feeling. It was like my whole body, and mind was being transformed into something that was foreign to me, yet it felt so natural. I knew that the presence of God was in that room and had changed me by His awesome presence. When I finally got up off the floor, I was changed irrevocably and have been so ever since. I no longer thought the same way. I did not want to go to the same sinful places, smoke crack, drink alcohol, fornicate, smoke cigarettes, or go clubbing.

REBORN

Essentially, I had a new way of walking, and a new way of talking. What I wanted to do was start back going to church. The really great thing about all of this is that I no longer hate my son’s mother or to do her harm. Actually, I felt sorry for her because I knew who the real enemy was, and how he was just using her to get at me. I started to feel so much godly love in my heart for her, and wanted to tell her so but it would have to be in the form of a letter. I did write her and tell her everything that was on my heart, how I forgave her, and what had happened to me as a result of being born again through the spirit of the Holy Ghost. I tried to get her to understand that I wanted the best for her but she was too damaged herself by the substance abuse she was indulged in. Bee wrote me back a profane and scathing indictment accusing me of everything she could think of regardless of whether it was true or not.

She was not interested and forbade me from seeing my son ever again. My hopeful feelings toward her did not change and I continued to pray for her. This would mark the turning point in my life as far as my stepping out of the world, and stepping into regular fellowshipping with God’s people in God’s church. I had been previously baptized at Mt Zion in June of 1989 but had not fellowshipped there because I was still effectively living life out in the world. I would read my bible from time to time but not regularly, and not in the proper mindset. I barely prayed at all during that time though I felt that I belonged to Christ. I guess I had one foot in the world, and a very small part of one foot in the church. At last Jesus had me right where he wanted me. I had finally arrived on the road that he had been trying to get me on for all this time and now he would do everything he could to keep me on it.

READY TO LIVE A LIFE OF YIELDING

Ever since that night I have lived a life of yielding to the Lord Jesus Christ. Needless to say, I have not lived a perfect life. However, “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me (Gal 2:20).” I can proudly boast that my life has never been like it was before, and neither am I ever alone in my walk like I was before. Jesus is always walking with me wherever I go. I am never without hope or confidence in the Lord’s power, his grace, and his mercy to do all I need done in order to remain free from substance abuse. I would like to introduce you to a 12 step program I have composed that is sure to empower you to overcome any addictive or sinful control that your flesh has over you.

1. Surrender to God and ask him to forgive you for all your sins. Confess with your mouth, and believe in your heart, that Jesus Christ died for your sins and is the son of God, and that God has raised him from the dead. Call on the Lord Jesus to come into your heart and become your Lord and Savior. This is the way to salvation, which is the most important of all the steps, for without it the remaining steps are meaningless, and you are still in your sins, having no redeemer (Rom 10:9, 13). However, if the blood of Christ, which cleanses from all sin, cleanse you from your sin, then you shall be clean indeed (Heb 10:2). Ask not to be comforted until you are first cleansed; if sin, the bitter root of sorrow and destruction, be taken away, then you can pray in faith. And let this be the continued joy of all the redeemed, that they have redemption through the blood of Christ, the forgiveness of sins according to the riches of his grace.

 2. Seek the truth within the scriptures about Satan and sin, and why you were so powerless over your addiction, and who it was that helped to keep you addicted, and why he wanted you addicted. As a result of Adam’s sin in the Garden of Eden, we are all born to a sinful state. We harbor a sinful side of us that rules our “old nature”, or flesh, and a spiritual side of us that longs for the things of God. Through your addiction, the old nature won the battle over your spiritual nature and caused you to become an instrument of Satan more than an instrument of God. (For more information on sin click here.)

This means that you were advancing Satan’s kingdom instead of God’s. Satan wanted to keep you working for him, and to eventually destroy you in the process because he has absolutely no love for you, and only used you to get back at God. Your introduction to crack cocaine, meth, or heroine, in particular, was actually your introduction to Satan himself, or at least the personification of Satan. You really know him intimately you see. (Here’s more about Satan) The very fact that you were not destroyed, and have escaped, is a testament to God’s unconditional love for you. Now that you know the truth, and God has freed you from walking in darkness, Satan will never stop trying to get you back. This is why a regular feeding on the Word of God is paramount to your understanding of how Satan and sin affects your life. Satan is not to be ignored, but must be dealt with accordingly. (Here’s how)

3. Change playgrounds and playmates because this is vital in order to separate yourself from the negative influences that once played a major part in your previous social life. You may at times think that you have the power to resist being influenced by them but it’s all a big lie being orchestrated by the devil. He would want nothing more than to get you in your old environment and tempt you with drugs and alcohol because he knows that you are in your comfort zone. Scripture says that God before God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, he  , “… delivered just Lot, vexed with the filthy conversation [lifestyle] of the wicked: (For that righteous man dwelling among them, in seeing and hearing, vexed his righteous soul from day to day with their unlawful deeds;)2 Peter 2:7-8 (KJV)

Even Jesus says that, “No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.” (Lk 9:62) Far too often, looking back leads to going back, and going back leads to falling away from the faith and back into addiction.

4. Do not resist God’s call on your life so get alone with God and let him minister the truth directly to you by reading and studying his Word on a regular basis. That conviction you feel is a gift to keep you near the cross.  If you keep resisting Him and hardening your heart, He will eventually stop calling you. You can then have a great time fulfilling all the fantasies of the flesh without feeling a thing, but what awaits you at the end of such a life (Romans 2:28)?

Our troubles, though we see them coming from God's hand, must drive us to him, and not drive us from him. We must acknowledge him in all our ways, depend upon his wisdom, power, and goodness, and refer ourselves wholly to him, and so give him glory. Thus must we keep up communion with God; meeting him with prayers under trials, and with praises in deliverances. I would suggest reading a 1 year bible that allows you to read through the entire bible in 1 year. Chances are great that if you would attend church, and bible study, or any other bible setting, you would never read the entire bible even if it were over the course of a lifetime. This is a major deficiency of today’s church but it is not insurmountable so, in as much as you can, try to read the entire bible within your life-time. You will never regret doing it.

5. Know with certainty that you are loved by God exactly where you are in your recovery, and that your experiences are of great value for kingdom work (Jn 3:16). Refuse to bottle them up because of shame or pride because that’s exactly what the enemy, Satan, wants you to do. You now have a testimony that’s capable of pulling down his strongholds and casting down everything he uses to exalt himself above the knowledge of God, and pointing the way to freedom for others who struggle against the power of addiction. Allow yourself to be used as a willing vessel by God as a way of destroying Satan’s kingdom, and snatching from the fires of Hell those who are being led captive by him at his will. Scripture says that ultimately, “they overcame him [Satan] by the blood of the Lamb, and the word of their testimony.”, so let’s keep using our testimony to defeat him (Rev 12:11). Refuse to keep it hidden because of self-pride. Remember that your pride is inversely proportional to your surrender. The more you surrender to the will of God, the less pride you have. Conversely, the more pride you suffer from, the more resistance you have to the will of God. They are both diametrically opposed to each other.

 6. Say “Yes” to what you feel God is purposing you to do in your life. If you don’t know God’s purpose for your life, ask him through prayer to reveal it to you by divine revelation. Each of us has a purpose for our lives, and it is this purpose that should sustain us, and direct us throughout the rest of our lives here on earth. Think it not strange if your purpose is not understood, or embraced, by others because what God has for you may only be for you. Each of us has their own assignment in the war against the kingdom of Satan, and advancing God’s kingdom. God’s ways are not our ways, nor are his thoughts our thoughts. Saying yes may cost you but saying no could cost you eternal damnation. Saying yes may not be popular to many but saying no could make you the most popular soul in Hell. Jonah was foolish enough to say no to God and try to flee from him. God then tried to get his attention by sending a great storm his way, and although Jonah was not convinced, the drawing of lots singled him out as the one whom God was trying to beckon. Jonah’s punishment, or moments of inspiration, was to spend 3 days in the belly of a great fish. God would eventually get his way, and thousands would repent at the preaching of Jonah. Saying yes to God can make your life a whole lot easier. Just ask Jonah. (Jonah 1:17, Luke 11:32)

7. Make your salvation real by not keeping the good news of your personal salvation a secret, which is another trick the enemy uses to buy time as he tries to pull you back to your former life.  We must believe with our hearts AND confess with our mouths to everyone whom it is we now belong to. This is our Christian witness, and it is instrumental for giving others a reason for the hope we have in life, as well as death. The great commission that we were called to actively participate in by Jesus himself has to do with telling others about Jesus, and what he did for all humankind on Calvary. We are called to encourage others to accept the free gift of the redemption of sin so they can live free from sin, and have eternal life with the Lord Jesus Christ. Let them know you are overjoyed and excited about it as though you have found a priceless gem, or a cure against death itself! (Mat 10:32). Actually, you have.

8. Prepare your Heaven on earth now that you know you are a child of God. The bible says that as believers we become sons and daughters of God, and joint heirs with Christ, his son. If we conduct ourselves according to biblical principles we can have our Heaven right here on earth. Since we now have peace with God, we no longer have God’s hand against us (Rm 5:1). It was God’s hand that was causing us so much financial ruin, and now that he has taken it away, we are free to be all that we want to be, in Christ of course. However, be sure to make Jesus the center of your life by fulfilling his purpose for your life. Then delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. The book of Haggai, located in the Old Testament section or the bible, is only 2 chapters long but renders one of the most remarkable stories regarding how believers should prioritize their lives. When God is not the center of our lives, we struggle against him. When he is, we reap the bounty of his abundant grace and mercy. This is typically given to us in the way of spiritual development and financial prosperity. I would highly recommend the reading of the entire book of Haggai on a regular basis just to stay on point (Haggai Chpts 1&2).

9. Walk carefully or ‘circumspectly’ as the scriptures describe, by being sober and vigilant (1Pe 5:8). This is about being careful to keep your spirit clean and fresh.  Prayer, along with reading and hearing the Word AND seeking ways to apply it to your daily life is the way to STAY saved and delivered from any sinful habit or addiction. Scripture says that, “Pride goeth before the fall” (Prv 16:18). This means that prideful behavior is not consistent with the spirit of God, and gives us a false sense of security. When we become puffed up because we have money or possessions, or anything else that’s coveted by others, we tend to glory in our own flesh and entertain the thought that we ourselves have done it without any help from God. This undermines the protection we have in Christ against the attacks of Satan, and puts a chink in our armor that can be exploited by him.

That’s why most recovering addicts tend to relapse during times of plenty, or prideful moments. Don’t allow your prosperity or self-pride to become your god because God is a very terrible and jealous God. Above all, be merciful to others as God has been merciful to you, so don’t belittle or show contempt for those that remain in the clutches of their addiction or sins. This is the time for you to show empathy and share your testimony with them. In most cases, it takes an ex-addict to reach an addict because it’s so hard for non-addicts to truly understand the grip addiction has on a person. You do not want to miss this opportunity to use Satan’s own handiwork against him because scripture says that, “… all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28 KJV). “ Put to good use all the hell you went through because of your addiction.

10. Join a bible-believing church so that you will have a means to continue in your Christian development, and experience. There is a biblical requirement for church attendance, although many would argue its importance, and we are even to admonish other believers who fall into willful sin. Admonishing others for willful sins, or any other kind, has long fell out of favor in many of today’s churches, and has been replaced by a “non-judgmental” approach that ensures the financial contributions of its members, but at the risk of their damnation. Obviously, I would recommend a church that places souls above dollars. Don’t just become a “satellite” member, revolving around the church in an orbit that only allows you to be involved in the surface activities of the church like only attending Sunday service. Allow the church to become an extension of your lifestyle by attending bible study, Sunday school, and prayer meeting as well. Also, if you have the time, serve in one of the many church ministries available. You may even aspire to sing in the mass choir, or the praise and worship choir. My point is that you should make yourself available to the church in as many capacities as you can. This is the truest meaning of, “Forsaking not the assembling of yourselves together. (Heb 10:25)”

11. Abstain from triggers that only serve to remind you of the memories of you in your state of addiction. Try to always occupy your thoughts with memories of the good times you experienced, in spite of your addiction, or with your mind stayed on wholesome and pure things (phil 4:8). The use of any alcohol is to be strictly forbidden because it opens the door to the very activity that you are trying to keep out of your life. The use of profanity should be tightly controlled, if not avoided completely, become it is the devil’s language and unsuitable for Christian use (Ps 19:14). Meeting old friends and acquaintances can also trigger reactions in you that can psychologically, emotionally, and physically overwhelm the senses with memories of substance abuse, and result in duplicating the symptoms of the addiction when you were fully engaged in it. You must understand that Satan will never completely go away, and is only bidding his time while trying to catch you off-guard. Don’t give him anything to use against you (Luke 11:24-26).

  12. Stay in touch with other Christians, and with me if possible, in addition to going to church. It is important that you not allow Satan to isolate you from those who are better suited to pray for you, and keep you on the straight and narrow because two are better than one (Ecc 4:9-11). You need to regularly associate with people who build up your faith and increase your confidence and dependence on God. Remember, wherever two or three are gathered together in the name of Christ, and he is among them, there is a church, and “the gates of Hell shall not prevail against it (Mt 16:18).”

Personally, I don’t promote NA or AA 12 step programs and meetings because since those organization have virtually taken Jesus Christ, or God, out of their literature and replaced them with a person’s own concept of what constitutes their “higher power”, you could very easily be among people who have no affiliation with Christ. To initiate a fellowship with non-Christians while pursuing your sobriety is not conducive to biblical teachings. After all, how can two walk together except they be in agreement (2 Corinthians 6:14-15)? In my mind, deliverance from addiction through the person Jesus Christ is the only true deliverance. Anything else is temporary at best, and totally worthless in saving your soul. The root of addiction is sin, and the only cure for sin is the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ.

If this article has helped you, please let me know. I’d love to hear from you and keep up with your progress during your recovery and your Christian walk, and to make myself available to you should you need someone to talk to when things get a little uncertain. Also, if you’d like to share YOUR testimony with the readers who visit this site emails us at douglas@douglaswattsministries.org and I will post your testimony on this site. Please include day or evening number.